Pam called and would like to ask Reggie Railroad Reynolds some questions about the Rockford Public School system but Reggie just told me, “I won’t call her back for free because I already give enough of my time and money to the Rockford Public School system AND I dON’T EVEN HAVE KIDS!”  Sorry Pam, Facebook may be able to help you though. Reggie also wants you to know, “MANY angry parents and teachers on facefoot dot com know EVERYTHING about the school system.  Did you try them? They’re so educated.  They know everything.”

Tonto Springsteen has been writing songs for us.

We’ve been holding onto this for quite awhile now, laughing and crying at the supreme awesomeness that is Tonto Springfield-oops- Tonto Springsteen.  He is one of our favorite callers.  We wait for his calls, often providing us tunes to share with you.  This time, something better.  Tonto’s agent contacted us awhile ago asking if Tonto could have permission to write his new batch of ass-folk songs based around our callers stories, their lives, our lives.  Tonto has been so inspired by the flight of my assistant, Reggie Railroad Reynolds and Francis the Macaque that he has holed up in Nashville because that’s where all songwriters go to find inspiration and drugs, to write this record about the people that call into Ray Tarte Dot Com.

 If you’ve forgotten or don’t know, Mister Meersaké is very angry!  He is an asian, ad firm owning mob boss who was and still is a client of mine.  I gave him a pet monkey to alleviate a business problem I had with my assistant, Reggie, pissing off the honorable, Mister Meerasake in public at a gyro lunch stop.  In retaliation, Reggie kidnapped Francis from the angry, asian, ad firm owning mob boss to send a message.

We don’t really know what the message was but they ended up in Europe travelling;  Reggie and Francis went abroad while Meerasake got soooo angry!

Meanwhile, Tonto Springfieldsteen caught whiff of this and wrote his new album around this amazing story.  Here’s the first preview from the forthcoming record, Tonto Springsteen “Tonto Springsteen does Ray Tarte dot com.”

We hope you enjoy. Sidenote, Mister Meerasaké got his monkey back but he still wants to kill Reggie! We love the drama, Reggie is in so much shit with his ex- Sheila still, stay tuned!

Also- There is a book in the works called, “Searching for Bubbles.”  We can not share any more details aside from the fact it’s why we retreated for awhile, stripped it back.  We’re holding onto an onslaught of voicemails that keep coming in- so keep calling, there’s something else in the works.  We, our team’s ideas for Ray Tarte dot com attracted marketable brains who understand originality, creativity and humor. To those who don’t get it, you can still go f*ck yourself but we welcome your hate mail! Only in America dipshits, ha.

RT

Reggie calls in to return a message to God.

God, calls back, to admit a giant mistake that was made years ago that has something to do with why Rockford, IL has turned out as awful as it has.

God called, he hates Rockford, IL.

He hired Reggie and I as agents of creative destruction, to make a website for him.

http://Godhatesrockford.com

Call log:  Reggie Railroad Reynolds  |  09-25-10  2:43PM
{Reggie calls in with news of his whereabouts & sings us a new song he wrote called “Handjobs & Knucklerubs” for Staasuhnator Rex, a great band, referred to him by El Doug} 

_______________________

Reggie,

we are very sad by the news you will not be working for me anymore.  We are happy you are in the states.  We are ANGRY as to the fact you lost Francis.  You will have to deal with whatever fate Mister Meerasaké hands you.  He is very angry.  So angry he’s forgotten how to laugh.  HOWEVER- WE LOVE YOUR SONG!  Here’s hoping Staasuhnator Rex chooses your song to perform on his upcoming masterpiece, “62.”

RT

Call log:  Brian the Horny Gangster™  |  02:36 AM  09-21-10
{First time call by Brian the Horny Gangster™ who is having relationship issues with a Christian gurl. }

_________

Reply:

Brian,

I think we can help here.  The problem you’re having with Christian gurls, lots of making out and no sex, is a great problem to have.  You already know you don’t want to be married to her to have sex with her.  So, keep her around for fun and get out there, loosen up that zipper and bang one of her hot Christian gurlfriends behind her back if you can when she’s at Mass or one of the fake praise services people go to now a days to look for happiness and forgiveness.  Pick a married one since neither of you can commit and you’re forced by nature to only have sex behind your partners back!  Try it, everyone in N. Illinois is doing it and then going to church!

Pick any gurl, they are just as horny as you are and get down to biznass.  There has to be another Christian Gurl too that’s a bonerfide born-again, meaning:  they did lots of drugs before the age of 23 and had lots of sex and now need to keep it on the downlow because guilt, herpes or a pregnancy scare caught them.  Just because this gurl you make out with won’t put out doesn’t mean you have to be miserable and confused.  Again, you told us you don’t want to be married to her to have sex.  Go find someone else and pretend it’s her!

Seriously though, don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t want the same things you do.  Waiting for marriage to have sex is a great way to be miserable, because then it will be about conceiving potential humans you won’t have enough money to take care of;  a pre-emptive guarantee for divorce at some point.  

You can still be a respectable gangster and a nice guy if you get caught banging a different born again behind your Christian gurlfriend’s back.  Please call us back with updates.  FYI:  Don’t rule her out yet, we here at RAYTARTE.COM headquarters absolutely love hot christian gurls, more than half are  bonerfide born agains, closet freaks who are more horny than you may ever be!

Oh and remember this, this will make you a great Horny Gangster:
Bros before hoes, hoes before wives.

Cheers,

RT

Call log:  DJ Charlie Cheesecake™  |  11:48 PM  09-15-10
{Appleville, WI’s own, DJ Charlie Cheesecake calls in for the first time to plug happiness and good tunes from “103 Point Right Now!” }

_________

Reply:

DJ Charlie Cheesecake,

What an honor!  We have listened to you say, “103 Point Right Now!” for decades, so for us to be on the receiving end of such good vibes is an honor we bow with our hands folded like a prayer to you- exactly like we bow to that mean asian ad firm owning mob boss we know here!  It’s nice to know we were on your mind all the way up there in Appleville, WI.  Do you ever plug us on air?  Maybe we can work on a trade agreement for advertising?  I tell you what, once Reggie returns to the USA, he has a pizza to deliver to someone up in Houdini Town- we can arrange a meeting between Reggie and you to work out some advertising spots on air! 

We have goosebumps- “103 Point Right Now!”  Thank you DJ Charlie!  Please spin a song by The Thompson Twins today for us?  ”Hold Me Now!”  OHHH we love that song every time we hear you spin it during the “103’s Mid Day Madness Radio Show-RIGHT NOW!!!”  Oh we love your show!!!!! Please call back and recite a song like a poem soon!

RT